How Things Change
Another flip of the switch has come and gone. One minute it was one year, the next minute it was another. Last night as I put myself to bed I thought about how things have changed.
New Year’s Eves past I’ve primped and preened, fussing over celebrations to come, worrying about outfits and hairdos, reading myself the riot act and then, promptly, breaking it. As I’ve gotten older the turn of the year has involved quieter parties, midnight snowshoes, sometimes even falling asleep before the clock hits 12.
And then there was yesterday.
My pajamas stayed on the entire day. When I finally changed my clothing, it was from one set of PJs to another. There was good food and a bottle of wine, but we worked our asses off all day to little avail, then “celebrated” like old folk. And it was enjoyable, it was good enough, and I found that a little troubling,
When midnight struck, we went to bed, and my brain started to do that thing where it won’t shut off. My whole life I’ve had grand aspirations, looked forward to more, dreamed of something different, had something to work towards. I’ve always had huge goals and ambitions, a bottomless bucket list. Now, I have no burning desire for anything. I have everything I want and need. One might think that’s awesome, but oddly I feel a little TOO content. Last night I found myself wondering , is there a purpose? Why bother continuing on once you have it all? It was a chilling thought last night, sliding from one year to the next with no driving need or huge goal to work towards. Sure, there are “small” things to do: build a greenhouse, establish a dairy, put up more fences, stabilize the big barn, lose some weight. But as one day becomes the next and it all blurs together I realize that none of those things really changes much. With lack of purpose and drive comes something like defeat. Is there nothing left now but to wait for the end? And if that’s the case, why wait?
This morning when I woke those thoughts came rushing back in. It was hard to get up without figuring out what difference it would make in the grand scheme of things. As always we had breakfast, fed the animals, walked the dogs. Then we headed to our neighbour’s place to help him castrate some calves. That’s when something clicked.
Perhaps the things that are small to me are big to others. Perhaps at this stage in my life it becomes less about what I can achieve and more about what I can offer. As I slipped elastics over testicles I realized that perhaps getting in shape and learning new things and honing skills IS still important because I can use those things as contributions instead of using them as a means to my own selfish end.
Continue on, continue to improve, continue to try and do good. I think that’s the answer. Let’s see what 2015 has to say about it all. I’m game.
Happy New Year to you! I was intrigued by the paragraph on FB and had to investigate further. Mind you, I had to click on the photo above as I didn’t know what it was. At first I thought it was a little chick you were holding. When it enlarged my stomach lurched when I realized what it was..lol. Bear in mind Sue, I’m a big city girl and my knowledge of farm animals is extremely limited.
As I read your article I could relate to some of the things you said such as being too content. I do think some of it comes as we age, although you are still in your prime years! I too feel very content with my life at times, but then I think of all the things I still want to do and accomplish. Problem is I run out of energy (and/or money) and just don’t get to them!
I read about Timmy. That was a great story! You are a wonderful and very witty writer! I enjoyed reading about you & Troy and what you hope to accomplish with your farm. I do believe it is all about what we can offer to others and contribute.
As for you, you need to keep doing what you’re doing. Make and sell your wonderful soaps and creams and teach people like me all about what it takes to run a small farm. And keep writing! And make sure people see what you write. This is the first time I’ve seen your site. Perhaps make a bigger point of advertising it when you post on FB.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this first day of 2015!
Colleen
Colleen, thanks for that, you are a good friend.
A wonderful and thought provoking piece, Sue. I think it is hard for us to give in to being content. It is not a feeling that is encouraged in our society. Content people do not hunger after the next Big Thing. We have been conditioned to not feeling content, only striving for it by continual consumption. So, it seems to me it is natural to feel a little unsure in acknowledging that you are, indeed, content. That you have realized that you are able to derive great satisfaction from what you do, and that the bonus is that what you do is good for everyone else, and harms nothing is at the core of being content. You are an inspiration. Savour it.