New Year’s Eves past I’ve primped and preened, fussing over celebrations to come, worrying about outfits and hairdos, reading myself the riot act and then, promptly, breaking it. As I’ve gotten older the turn of the year has involved quieter parties, midnight snowshoes, sometimes even falling asleep before the clock hits 12.
And then there was yesterday.
My pajamas stayed on the entire day. When I finally changed my clothing, it was from one set of PJs to another. There was good food and a bottle of wine, but we worked our asses off all day to little avail, then “celebrated” like old folk. And it was enjoyable, it was good enough, and I found that a little troubling,
When midnight struck, we went to bed, and my brain started to do that thing where it won’t shut off. My whole life I’ve had grand aspirations, looked forward to more, dreamed of something different, had something to work towards. I’ve always had huge goals and ambitions, a bottomless bucket list. Now, I have no burning desire for anything. I have everything I want and need. One might think that’s awesome, but oddly I feel a little TOO content. Last night I found myself wondering , is there a purpose? Why bother continuing on once you have it all? It was a chilling thought last night, sliding from one year to the next with no driving need or huge goal to work towards. Sure, there are “small” things to do: build a greenhouse, establish a dairy, put up more fences, stabilize the big barn, lose some weight. But as one day becomes the next and it all blurs together I realize that none of those things really changes much. With lack of purpose and drive comes something like defeat. Is there nothing left now but to wait for the end? And if that’s the case, why wait?
This morning when I woke those thoughts came rushing back in. It was hard to get up without figuring out what difference it would make in the grand scheme of things. As always we had breakfast, fed the animals, walked the dogs. Then we headed to our neighbour’s place to help him castrate some calves. That’s when something clicked.
Perhaps the things that are small to me are big to others. Perhaps at this stage in my life it becomes less about what I can achieve and more about what I can offer. As I slipped elastics over testicles I realized that perhaps getting in shape and learning new things and honing skills IS still important because I can use those things as contributions instead of using them as a means to my own selfish end.
Continue on, continue to improve, continue to try and do good. I think that’s the answer. Let’s see what 2015 has to say about it all. I’m game.